The Lonely Wolf
by janya.wrote.nightrose
Summary: The horror and fear- you have become a monster. The terror and loathing- you have lost your humanity. And above all else the weary sadness- you are alone, alone, alone. The story of Sam Uley's life from the time he first phased to the day he marries Emily
1. Chapter 1

**Posted for Clyde X. Review, everyone. Please.**

"Sam, I love you."

I remember those words with a smile on my face. It's the first time she'd ever said them, just a few hours since. I'd never heard anything so wonderful.

She loves me… and I know I love her. She's the only woman in the world to me. In fact, at this very moment, I'm thinking seriously about something. I'm in a jewelry store, shopping for a ring.

I want to marry her. I want to show her how much I return her love. She's so beautiful, so kind, so intelligent… everything I've ever wanted.

I can still feel the first time she ever kissed me, a few years ago now, on my lips, along with every kiss since. I think the ghost of the feeling will never leave, and I don't want it to.

I want to keep it, along with every other trait of hers, forever. We're in love. I know they all say it doesn't happen, doesn't last forever. Two teenagers in love, big deal. Make sure you use a condom.

But it isn't like that for us. We're serious people. I'm going to go to college, and so is she, in a year when she graduates. Then we can… hopefully… get married. And stay together forever.

I know exactly what I want. I want her.

I love her.

"May I help you?"

"I'm looking for a ring…" I begin. "An engagement ring."

"Anything in particular?"

"No. I don't know anything about jewelry," I admit.

"How about… this?" the woman behind the counter offers. She's a blond girl, tan, clearly not from around her. She seems to know what she's talking about, however. I like the ring a lot. It's round and silver, with three sparkling triangular diamonds on it.

"I like…"

Before I can finish the sentence, she's waving another one around. "Or this?"

"That's nice too…"

By the time I stutter out that the first one was my favorite, there are fifteen rings in front of me, and I'm getting kind of frustrated.

"Which do you prefer?"

"I honestly don't know."

"Which do you think_ she _would like?"

Good question. "I'm no mind reader… but I think that one." It's the first. It may be the flashiest of the rings. It's also perfect for her. Ornate, exotic, beautiful.

"Very well. That will be 7000.56."

She rings it up, and I groan. I honestly don't have that much money. I mean, I can afford it, but barely. There just isn't that much cash in the whole reservation.

But I know… I know she's worth it. She's worth everything. I fork over the credit card.

The woman rings it up and hands me the little black bag. "Congratulations," she says with a smile, and I nod. This is going to work out. Everything is bright and beautiful. I can scarcely believe how lucky I am, so young and already having found the one person I want to be with for the rest of my life.

I already know I'll love her forever. I can hardly wait to ask her, to know that my Leah will always be mine.


	2. Chapter 2

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I'm going to have a family, now. I'm going to have a wife, and a child maybe, and I'm going to treat them right. I remember my own miserable childhood, my lazy drunk father.

The majority of my interactions with him were being sworn at, being slapped around, or fetching beer for him. So I suppose I shouldn't care that I moved out of his house at thirteen and haven't seen him since, or that no one bothered to invite me to his funeral.

But it irks me nonetheless. He might have been a crappy father, but he was mine.

Childhood traumas aside…

I open the door, and she is waiting, a smile on her face. "Hi, Sam."

"Hey, beautiful."

"Don't give me that crap," she warns, and then laughs as she leans in for her kiss.

It is a while before I can pull away from her. I've kissed other girls, but Leah's the only one I've ever felt like this with. I can feel the fire in my stomach, feel my heart racing and racing, the organ practically bursting through the skin.

"I love you," she says, and I grin.

"I love you too."

I can feel the bag pressing into my pocket. "Hey, Leah, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, sure."

I kneel and take out the ring as quickly and gracefully as possible. It is not quite as much as I'd like, since I've been undergoing a strange second growth spurt, but I manage.

She gasps, her hands flying over her mouth.

I uncover the box, looking from my life's savings in jewelry form right into her sparkling eyes. "Leah Clearwater… my beautiful, fiery, fantastic Leah, I love you so much more than I ever dreamed I could love someone. I am absolutely sure that you are the only one for me, and I want to make sure the rest of our lives are spent together, because I know I can't stand to spend it without you. My darling Leah, will you marry me?"

For a moment, she just stares at me, clasping her hands to her chest and grinning. I wait on the proverbial pins and needles, but I swear I can feel the real pain prickling down my legs.

She is enjoying this, I can tell. My little devil. "Sometime this year, please, Leah."

"Oh, all right." Another moment passes as she toys just a while longer. "Of course, Sam. Of course. I love you."

She pulls the ring from the box and places it triumphantly on her finger. I smile at the way it looks there. It is really very beautiful.

"I like the ring," she says.

"Good. It cost like a zillion dollars."

"Rude much? You're not supposed to tell someone what gifts cost."

"It isn't a gift, Leah. It's a symbol. It symbolizes what you mean to me. And you mean more to me than all the money in the world. Besides, we don't have secrets anymore."

"Anymore?"

"I mean it. I'll tell you everything."

"Me too."

I pull her close for another kiss.


	3. Chapter 3

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I feel the fear and fury rushing through me. It is strange. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel an unfamiliar anger zooming through my body.

My muscles shudder briefly, my heart pounds, my spine cracks and twists. It doesn't… hurt, precisely. But it is terrifying.

"Sam?" Old Quil asks. "Sam, are you…"

I begin to speak, to tell him no, that of course I can't stay away from Leah, that I love her, that we're getting married. It comes out as a growl.

Old Quil turns and runs from the room, but not like he's afraid- more in a practiced way, like it's what he's supposed to do in the event of some unnamed natural disaster.

Then thought disappears in favor of broiling emotion- fury. How dare he? How dare he? Leah is _mine,_ and he can't expect me to give up my own just because he says so- he has no right.

None.

I roar.

And then I run. It is a while, rushing through the forest, before I realize what I am- or rather what I am not.

The feeling of running is not what it used to be. There is a much heavier footfall, a sinuous motion of the back, an extra pair of feet, no arms pumping at my sides… it is not the body I know.

I am no longer Sam. I am unrecognizable, even to myself. I let out a great howl, and then I realize what it is that I am.

I look down on my arms, and see long dark cylinders, lined with black fur and tufted with sharp claws.

The legends… the legends are true. I'm not a man anymore. I'm a wolf.

Shouldn't I be able to change back? What if I can't? What if I'm stuck this way forever? Leah. I'll never see her again.

What if I can't see her anyway, if Old Quil's right and I'm too dangerous, a monster…. What if I have to leave her?

What if I already have, in changing form this way, and I just don't know it?

I feel a rumble near my center. Hunger. What do werewolves eat?

Probably some kind of meat. I look around, and find a deer. It is simple, with my new vast form, to strike it over the head and eat. I devour it in seconds, and find the raw meat not at all repellent, nor even strange to the new tongue.

I can't tell Leah. That I'm certain of. It is impossible. The only way she'd believe me is if I showed her, and that's an impossibility. I refuse to endanger her like that. And besides, I may not even be able to change back. What if I can't? What if I'm like this forever? Not a man… an animal.

I run deeper into the woods, agony manifesting as fury, gasping as the rage fills my lungs in the stead of clear forest air.


	4. Chapter 4

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There are two paths. They stretch before me as clearly as the diverging trails through this apparently endless wood.

First, I will again find myself.

From there, there are several potential tangents. I could return to Leah. Maybe this will never come upon me again. I could never go back… but I'm getting off-topic.

Second, I will be a wolf forever… and a man never.

The thing I don't like about these options is that they _aren't. _They are possibilities, not choices. And I have always liked choices. Nothing works better for me than making a plan and sticking to it… and right now I don't have a choice. I am at the whim of the beast. My entire life centers around what the caprice of some proto-mystical mammal living inside me chooses to do, whether to retreat or overcome me entirely. I have _no choice._

I can't make myself turn back. I can't. There is nothing I can do.

I run. It is the only thing I _can _control. I simply move the feet in that wonderful rippling pattern, going faster than I ever imagined possible, feeling so fantastically alive in the way that Sam Uley of the lists and plans and colleges could never have experienced… no. I can't.

No. I will not.

No. I will not stay like this! I will not like this! I should not do this. I have become, mysteriously, a monster, and I will _not _stand for it. I will not tolerate it. I will not look on the bright side. It is utterly unacceptable. This is not an option.

Option. Ha! I don't have any, remember?

Might as well do what I can with what I have, specifically, this strange new body. Not human. Not normal. But strangely invigorating.

I look down, realizing I am a black wolf. Strange. There isn't any such thing, so far as I know… perhaps werewolves are the exception.

I shudder in rage and hatred for the word. _Werewolves. _It's a kind of monster, loathed and feared. I'm not a monster, I'm a person. I've known myself all my life!

I, the former Sam Uley, was utterly normal, until the day I woke up and turned into an oversized canine…

This is ridiculous. There has to be something I can do. I close my eyes and review the legends…

"The love he felt for his people, and the hatred he felt for their oppressor, were to great for the wolf's body. Then the greatest magic happened…"

Taha Aki became a man once more. Yes. Yes! I can do it. If only I can find the way to lose my rage, this just may work. If the legend is true, which seems altogether likely, I can once again be a man. Now I just have to logic out how to do it… easier said than done.

I find the center of my spirit, searching for calm. It is futile. I am too overwhelmed with the emotions that keep me in this vast and monstrous form.

I grip the earth beneath my… paws… trying. And trying, and trying, and suddenly…


	5. Chapter 5

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"Sam!" A voice calls hysterically. "Sam, Sam!"

It's her. Oh, God, no. She can't come out here. She can't find me like this. No, not my Leah. I'm a monster. I can't let her find me like this!

I lumber away into the woods.

"SAM! Please, where are you? Sam! Sam?" Her tone grows more and more desperate as the intonation of my name continues. "Sam… Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam!"

_I'm here, my Leah. Right here. What do you need?_

My need is only stronger now. I have to find the calm. I have to…

No, I don't. I have no needs, none at all. I am content. I am nothingness and naught. I have no urgency and no desires. I am like a current on the wave. I am simply blown in whatever path occurs, nothing more complex than that. I have no wants… and so nothing can be denied me.

It happens. The shift is far less dramatic this time. Rather than an explosion, it is a slow simmering down, back from huge monstrosity down into calm smooth nothingness. I breathe deeply and look down at my own familiar naked form.

"Leah?" I call. "Leah?"

She runs through the woods with her slow human feet toward me… and she is fast enough. "Sam? Are you all right?"

"I… I think so. I am now, any way."

"Where were you?"

"I… don't know. How did you find me?"

"I've been searching the woods all week!"  
Had I been gone so long? Had my Leah spent so long wandering this dangerous place unprotected, alone? I had to shove the anger back down. "A week?"

"Yeah. What happened, Sam?" she asks, vulnerable love on her face. It is clear that she truly needs to know, that she wants to share it with me.

"I… I can't tell you."

She twirls the ring on her finger. "You said no secrets, Sam."

"I know…" I whisper. "I know."

"Please?"

I shake my head and step towards her, hoping she won't shove me away in disgust.

"Sam, where are your clothes?"

I look down and realize it is a perfectly fair question. I am buck naked. "I have no idea."

She groans. "_If _I were the guy, I'd lend you my over-sized shirt. Unfortunately, this is real life, not a romantic comedy, and I don't carry excess clothing. Come on."

"Where's the car?"

She looks oddly at me. "Sam, we're only a mile from the house, and that's all through the woods. Does this ground look conducive to an automobile?"

She kicks at a loose rock, sending it skipping over the exposed roots.

"No," I answer, confused. Could it have been so little length I flew? I thought I ran miles. Was it all a great circle?

Yes. That's it. I am back where I began. Maybe I will never have to leave the starting point again.

I pray that is a possibility. And yet, even looking into Leah's worried eyes, I find myself full of doubts. I don't think it's over, no matter how much I wish it could be.


	6. Chapter 6

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And how right I am. I sit alone at home, and I see a picture on the news.

_Child killed by own father…_

"Sam, I swear I will kill you if you don't…"

_In bout of drunken rage…_

"Get your lazy ass over here with another beer!"

_Authorities were warned of abuse…_

"Sam, honey, are you all right? You…"

_After child missed several days of school…_

"Haven't been here all week and…"

_And returned bruised…_

"You don't look so good, honey."

_There were several witnesses…_

"Hey, Josh, leave the kid alone…"

_The father's friends…_

"My house, my kid, my rules…"

_Also intoxicated,_

"All right, dude. Whatever you say…"

_Who reportedly protested the beating…_

"Now get me the goddamn beer, kid!"

_But were unable to calm their friend…_

"Please, Dad…"

_A mistake they will…_

"Just shut up."

_Never be able to fix…_

I shake. And shake, and can't stop. I try to isolate the movement in my head, a more deliberate motion to soothe the desperate fury, to chase the voices of my past, but it is utterly unsuccessful.

I feel the change almost instantly. Only twice, and it's already familiar. This form is as much mine as the man Sam is. I am horrified at this, and yet it pleases me, my success.

And then the emotions slightly decrease. As I take on the beast form, I no longer _feel _or _think._ It's pure instinct.

Run. Get away from this place. Calm down.

Why can't I do it here? Maybe this time it'll be easier.

And it is. It definitely is. I feel the calm. I catch it from some mysterious human place inside the wolf's body and spread it all over myself, radiating from the inside out.

I am once again a human, this time sans clothes.

My first act is to turn off the television.

The second is collecting the hidden shards of clothing that I've sprayed all over the room. It would scarcely do to have Leah find them, not so recently after I disappeared without any explanation for an entire week. I'd probably scare her half to death.

No, not Leah. Leah's never really scared- but I doubt she'd be very pleased with me. And I can't come up with a decent excuse. I don't really know why clothes end up shredded across the room, unless of course one is having a passionate affair.

Which I'm not.

I am, however, turning into a giant wolf. I doubt that's where Leah's thoughts will go, however. She has a tendency towards jealousy, though I only love her more for it.

Strange, how all her faults only make her more the perfect woman for me, the one I'm meant for- forever.

I remember the story on screen, and sigh. My father, as the creepy flashback sequence might have alerted you, wasn't exactly the warm and fuzzy type. More like the alcoholic and abusive type. But he didn't hit me much, only when he was almost drunk enough to pass out.

I never got killed…

Poor kid.

Then again, I do have a second trauma in my life. I'm either changing shape or going nuts.

Poor Sam.

And I'm marrying a woman I can't tell any of this to.

Poor Leah.

Guess no one ever has it good.


	7. Chapter 7

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Yeah, there's no such thing as happiness. I know this the minute I see Old Quil knocking on my door. "Sam Uley, let me in!"

It is an almost ritualistic entreaty. I groan at the old man's ridiculous phrases- not the words themselves, but the tone in which he says, no, pronounces them.

However, I run to the door. "Hello, Mr. Ateara."  
No young person calls Old Quil that to his face. He demands, and of course receives, respect. He's an elder, not just old but venerable, worthy of awe. He holds the secrets of the tribe and all that superstitious balderdash.

His wrinkled face curves into a smile when he sees me. "My, you've gotten big."

I roll my eyes. "Is that all anyone can ever say to me?"

"Well, young man, it's true. You grow like a weed, child."

A weed. That's me, a pestilential blight upon civilization. Get out the chemicals and spray the rosebushes so I don't strangle them. "What brings you here?"

"I need to speak with you. Sam Uley, you are not alone."

"Clearly not. You're standing right in front of me."

"That is not what I meant."

I know that. But I pretend ignorance. "What do you mean, then?"

"You know the legends."

"Legends?"

"Of our people, Sam Uley. The wolves. The men who become them. The spirit wolves. Taha Aki. I've told you the stories."

"Yes, you have."

"And you know now that they are true."

"Don't be ridiculous." He knows. I am not alone… he knows the truth.

"Sam Uley, be calm. You cannot afford to kill me."

"_Kill _you?" I am not predisposed to violence. Surely he knows that. Obviously, I was mistaken in my assumption that he had discovered the truth to my secret. He is simply projecting some delusion of his senility onto me.

I turn into a wolf, not a killer.

"Ah. So you _haven't _discovered it. You phase when you are angry, Sam Uley. And when you do so, your rage is likely to overwhelm. You can't afford to forget that. You can't afford to get angry, not until you are so much older, so much better controlled. Or you will hurt someone."

"Oh. How do you know?" Was he like me?

"Because I saw my grandfather's form. I have never forgotten the majesty of it. And I know the legends. You are huge, and your skin is always aflame. It is obvious what has happened."

"So…"

"So I am sent to tell you some important things. You already know the stories are real- but you have to know _all _the stories are real. The cold ones, for instance. The killers. Have you ever met the Cullens?"

An incongruous question. "Yes."

"What do you remember about them?"

"The… the smell. It was Rosalie Hale, I think. She had on this horrible perfume."

"That was no perfume. You are of the original blood, Sam Uley, and you can smell that she is a vampire."

"I don't believe you."

"And you're a werewolf."

I shrink away from the word. "Prove it."

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	8. Chapter 8

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"Absolutely not. Don't be stupid, Quil. I am in love with Leah, and that's not going to change."

He sighs and looks at me. "It is the law, Sam. You _may not _tell her. You _may not _reveal the secrets of the tribe to any outsider."

"She's got the blood, hasn't she…" I guess. After all, the Clearwaters were one of the oldest families on the reservation, like the Uleys and the Blacks. And the Atearas, for that matter. Leah and I are related, to one degree or another, but not closely enough that our marriage would be in any way incestuous. We'd discussed it.

"Yes. But that doesn't make a difference. Women do not phase. She may be a descendant, but she is not your mate."

"No, she's my fiancée," I state flatly. I don't want a _mate. _I am not a wolf. I'm a man, and I want a woman- no, I want Leah. I want the one I love, not some beast, some stranger, some relationship driven by the strange urges of my monstrous new form.

"That is a human word, Sam Uley."

"And I'm a human."

"Not entirely. Not anymore. And this is one part of your life you must let the wolf rule."

"I don't have to _let _it do anything!" I protest furiously. I am trying very hard to control the shaking in my arms.

"No, you don't. It will simply do whatever it pleases. The wolf inside you will not ask for your permission, Sam Uley. It will do what it wants, when it wants. And when it finds the one it wants, you will break Leah's heart- like this." He snaps his fingers, and I growl.

"Get the hell out of my house. I'm not leaving the woman I love because of your stupid superstitions."

He stands and walks out. "You don't have to take my warning. And I promise not to say _I told you so."_

"How generous of you."

"Sam… just consider it."

"No."

His eyes are warm and soft, like he really believes this, like he's totally determined. "Sam…"

"Out."  
"I'm an elder of the tribe. I don't have to leave, do I?"

"It's my house. You're on my property. I have every right to call the police on you for trespassing."  
"No one's going to arrest a nice old man for paying a nice young man a visit. Sam…"

"No. Leave. Go away. Let me be. Let me deal with this on my own, Quil. I can do it."

He sighs. "Sam, you need help. No one can bear this burden alone. It's not any kind of shame, Sam…"

Okay, excessive use of my name. Disturbing. "Out."

He leaves without further protest. I watch him leave and then, without bothering to think over what he's said, run upstairs. I keep my mind blank as I take off my clothes, changing into soft pajamas, and pulling the covers over myself. I fall asleep. I can't think about this.

Maybe because I know he's right.

But I love Leah. And that is what matters. Quil doesn't understand that, or he wouldn't ask me to leave her. Nothing could make me do that.

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	9. Chapter 9

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"Sam, can't you just tell me?" she asks. It is the pleading tone in her voice that gets to me. We've been arguing all morning, since I found out she knew I hadn't been home any of the nights last week.

"No, Leah. I can't."

"What is it?"

"I can't tell you!" I am trying desperately not to get angry. I can't afford to let the rage consume me, as it has in the past weeks of patrols.

"Please, please, please. I'm begging you, Sam. Please tell me."

"I can't."

"What's wrong? I want to help you, Sam."

"No one can help me," I whisper. "There's no help for me now."

Her eyes grow cold and distant. "Why? Do you not want me to be a part of your life?"

I catch her wrists with my hands and spin her around to face me. My eyes bore into hers, and her lashes flutter closed. "I always want you, Leah. I love you. Never doubt that."

"How can I not? Don't you trust me?"

"Leah, I can't tell you. I want to, more than anything else in the world… but I'm not _allowed _to. It's not my decision to make. It isn't my secret to share."

Angrily, she breaks away and turns from me. "How can it not be, when it's done so much to you? How am I supposed to… you're changing, Sam. You're not… you're not the man I know."

I wince. Does she blame me for these changes? I can't help it. I'd do anything to be her Sam again. "I'm sorry. I don't… if you want… if you don't want to be with me anymore, I would understand."

She whirls around, glaring. "Sam Uley, do you _dare?_ I'm not giving up on you that easily. No, you're not the same. But I still love you. And I'm stubborn enough that I won't give in, no matter what. I love you," she says, and it sounds like an accusation. "I love you," an argument, "I love you," a refutation.

"Good." Before she can protest, I kiss her. "I love _you, _Leah. I always will. This can't change that."

Off-topic, she says, "Sam, do you have a fever?"

"What?"

"You feel very warm. Take your temperature."

I can't. I know that it will be way too high, dangerously so, and I can't go to the doctor. I can't let anyone know about this. "I can't."

She sighs. "Back to this again?"

"Yes."

She turns from me again, and leaves the room.

"Leah?" I offer. It is inadequate, but I have to say it nonetheless. "I'm sorry."

"I know."

"I won't give up, Leah. I'm going to try the best I can to stay the same."

"And I'm not giving up either. I'm going to be here for you, whether you like it or not. We can make it work."

"Yes, we can."

I am resolved. I feel a smile drift across my face. Leah returns the grin and leaves for work.

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	10. Chapter 10

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I creep in the door at six in the morning, trying not to disturb Leah. Part of our new agreement is that she doesn't ask where I've been when I sneak in at these improbable moments. Conversely, I try to make what I have to do as little pain to her as possible.

What I have to do is hunt vampires. I watch over our land, running all night and walking all day, shifting back and forth in shape. It isn't easy, but it's better, I must say, than before Quil confronted me. At least I know I'm not all alone in this. That by itself is something of a relief.

Well, I am the only one who suffers this, true, but I'm not the only one who _knows. _I feel much, much less insane now. After all, other people _know. _I'm not crazy.

It makes me feel so much better, even if the one person I want to tell more than any other, I am forbidden, more than any other… Leah…

I will never tell her. But I will never leave her. I'm sure someday she'll get sick of having to live like this, on the fringe of my sad and lonely life, without being privy to my secrets, always shunted reluctantly to one side- I know someday I won't be worth it, and she'll give up, leave, find someone better… and as much as I know that would be the smart thing to do, I don't give up.

Because I know Leah loves me, and she's said she'll stay. And once Leah says something, all the powers on Earth cannot move her. She is truly a force to be reckoned with, my Leah, and I am certain she is not movable. If she gives up on me, it will be her own choice. She won't allow anything else to shunt her aside.

I rush, quietly, up to our bedroom, trying to move near-silently and also speedily, so I can be there when she wakes. I'm not attempting to conceal my absence. I just don't want her to wake up alone. I'd like to be there to hold her, kiss her in the morning, help her as she growls at the alarm, laugh with her when she beats the thing into submission… I just want it to be like it used to. I want to go back to my old life as much as possible.

But it isn't possible.

I have gone through a permanent transformation. I will never be a simple person again. I will never again know peace. Instead, I must always strive, always try, just to maintain a façade of normalcy, to put on a face that smiles to keep Leah happy and safe.

I'm so sorry…

I walk past our bathroom and saw something horrifying. Leah kneels on the floor, her legs sprawled out behind her. Her arms are around the toilet, and I can smell, with my new sensitive wolf nose, the too-sweet reek of vomit. It's actually similar to the stench of a vampire.

"Leah?" I whisper. She lifts herself from the floor and stares at me with empty, tormented eyes.

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	11. Chapter 11

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"Welcome home, Sam," she says, and then laughs bitterly. "Look how nice I dressed up to meet you."

"Leah, are you all right?"

"Yeah. I'm hugging the toilet for fun." Her sarcasm soothed me somehow. I recognized my Leah in it, and was thus a bit reassured. Though, ordinarily, she'd rather die than be caught in such a humiliating situation… but at least she could react normally.

"What's wrong?"

She rolls her eyes. "Vomiting, obviously."

"Why?"

She struggles to her feet. Her eyes bore into mine, accusing, furious. "I was worried about you. You were gone all night, so I called Emily and Sarah. We went out for drinks. I got drunk, came home, and threw up my guts all night long… because of you."

"I'm so sorry." I wince. "Leah, I swear it, if there was anything I could do…"

"That was sarcasm, you _idiot. _Wow. No, I did not get stoned. In fact, I have never been drunk in my whole life, and I'm only eighteen- no one's gonna sell me booze. But it is your fault."

I cross the distance between us and take her in my arms. "Leah, I love you."

"I know _that. _Otherwise… never mind."

"What? Otherwise what?"

"Otherwise this would be a much bigger problem than it is," she says, reluctantly.

"What would be? What's the problem?"

Silence. She stares into space, her eyes vacant. Though her chest is pressed against mine as I hold her in my too-hot hands, I can feel her as she moves one hand down, drifting almost without any thought on her part to rest on her stomach. I feel the breath leave her lungs, so closely do I press her against me. I can feel the sweat on her back, smell the exhaustion and illness on her clammy skin.

"Tell me, Leah. You can tell me."

"No, I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Leah, if you won't tell me, at least tell me why you won't!" I exclaim, frustrated. She looks, and feels, quite ill, and I hate not knowing why, not knowing how to make her better… my stomach, ironically, is sick at the very thought.

"Oh, yeah. I mean, we're such an _open, sharing _couple. We tell each other _absolutely everything. _It's not like you've ever kept a huge, enormous, awful secret from me. It's not like you don't trust me with what's hurting you… why, Sam?" the sarcasm breaks. I see uncharacteristic tears in her eyes, and I cradle her against my shoulder. "Why don't you trust me?"

"I do, with my life, Leah… but it isn't my secret to tell."

"That makes _everything so much better, _doesn't it… Sam… Sam… I need to know… know you'll be here for me…"

"Of course. Forever," I promise idly, puzzled. "Why?"

"Because… I'm… I'm…" she gasps and breaks away from me, both hands on her stomach now, facing the bathroom wall and not my curious gaze. She is silent for a moment.

"Tell me, please. I don't deserve it, I know but…"

She sighs, drawing in a shuddering breath. "Sam, I'm pregnant."

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	12. Chapter 12

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Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic! Three weeks ago, this would have been _good _news. Both of us know it, and it only makes this worse. We could just have moved the wedding up a little, gotten married, been happy… we still will, of course. It's just so much harder now. "Oh."

She balls her hands into fists and whirls around to glare at me. "That all you have to say for yourself? Very coherent, Sam. _That's _reassuring. Now I'm not terrified that I'm going to have to raise this child all by myself because its father is running around doing God-knows-what!"

I close my eyes. I can't be happy about this, because I have too much to worry about, my own life is so totally chaotic. But I know I won't do what _she's _suggesting. "Of course I'll be here for you, Leah. And for our baby. You know that, no matter what happens, you're my priority."

"Really?"

She sounds desolate, lonely. Her voice is small and weak, as though she's speaking from a vast distance.

"Really," I assure her. "Now, I think maybe we need to talk about this. Just, seriously, discuss what we're going to do. Why don't we move to a more comfortable venue?"

"Yeah. I've spent plenty of time in this bathroom." She follows me to the couch in our living room, where she promptly sprawls out, taking up three quarters of the space. I squish into a corner and wisely don't complain. A little bit of passive-aggressive discomfort-induction can't be held to the account of a woman in Leah's situation, after all.

"So we're having a baby," I say, somewhat anti-climactically.

"Yes. We are." She sounds aggressive, as usual.

"Do you want to get married… sooner? We should probably set a date. I mean, it would be better if we had a little time to get used to it before the kid's born."

Her eyes pop out of her head. "You still plan on getting hitched?"

"When did the plans change?"

"I thought, with everything… you've been slipping away, Sam. And I didn't think you still planned to spend the rest of your life with me."

I smile at her and affectionately rub a hand over her feet, the only part of her within arm's length. "Of course I do. What would I do without you?"

"I think we should get married, then, in about two months. Enough time to yank a wedding together- we can get Emily to do it. She's into that sorta thing. Hey, have you met Emily?"

"No. She's your cousin, right?" She is always talking about her.

"More like a sister. She'd love to plan my wedding. She used to tease me, when I was little, that I'd never get married, because… well, you know how I am. And Emily's so _sweet. _The kind of girl everyone wants to be like," Leah says, and I sense some childhood insecurity here.

"I'm glad to prove her wrong," I tease.

"We're going to have to both keep working, since you… didn't go to college."

"Yeah." She was pretty mad about that, too. But I can't leave the reservation. I have a duty, a job to do, after all. There are vampires here. "But we'll make it work."

"Of course we will."

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	13. Chapter 13

**REVIEW!! By the way, is anyone else FURIOUS with Sam after Breaking Dawn?**

I held Leah's hand, firmly. She had needed the comfort of physical contact like this fairly frequently in recent weeks. It reassured her, constantly, that I still was here for her, that I always would be.

For some reason, the fact that my skin was hovering around a hundred and ten degrees had yet to phase her, no pun intended. Strangely, her touch didn't feel cold to me, though mine did feel abnormally hot to her. In the mornings, when she felt sick, she would use my hand like a hot pack, resting on her nauseous stomach.

"So she's on her way?"

"Yep. She's going to stay here with us, I think. I hope you don't mind," Leah says. I know this means _you totally don't have a choice. _But I don't begrudge this stranger woman who's about to be practically my sister in law a place in our house.

Or, actually, Leah's house, since I signed the mortgage in her name. She doesn't know that, but our home legally belongs to her.

It had been merely a romantic gesture when I'd done it. Now it seemed practical. Once she got sick of me, as I had a feeling she someday would, she'd be able to kick me out of her life with as little trouble as possible.

I didn't think we would be able to stay together forever. She'd get sick of my excuses. I'd phase in front of her and scare her. I'm not sure what it will be, but I don't think everything we've promised will come true.

But I will keep my promises. That's the truth of it. I will remain a man of my word, even when I am not always a man.

"I love you," she says, just into the silence, because it seems natural. "I know it's not perfect right now, but it'll work out."

"Yeah. It will." There is a silence, as we sit side by side, and then I realize. "Oh, and I love you too."

She laughs out loud, brashly, the way she always has. It is part of the reason I love her, her total lack of false delicacy, of pretending to be something she isn't.

The silence descends again. It is comfortable, to sit beside her, holding her hand, her head on my shoulder, long, black hair falling like a curtain in the narrow space between us. It feels very natural, and it should- I will be spending the rest of my life with her. It's the only thing I want, is to be what I was once.

This is as close as I can get.

But it is enough.

More than enough, actually, to have her, the remnant of the life I was going to make. I can't have the rest of it, but I have the one thing that really matters.

The doorbell rings. There is no greater announcement of the momentous occasion, just a commonplace ding-dong.

"Oh, that must be Emily," Leah says.

I stand. "I'll get it."

The five steps to the door, for some reason, are the longest of my life. And then my hand is on the doorknob.

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	14. Chapter 14

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And the door is open.

I look down at her face.

There is an audible "clank" as the rest of the universe falls away and splatters into pieces on the ground- because in the wake of seeing her, nothing, _nothing _else matters. Nothing else _can _matter.

Never in my life, never, have I seen someone so beautiful. And yet that is not even the first part of my reaction to Emily Young.

She is the center of my universe. I know that much. It's obvious that the reason I was born, the reason I was given life and the power to phase and so much else besides was so I could be with her—no, not even that.

So that I could be hers. I am going to spend the rest of my life trying to make this woman happy, I know that much.

I never want anything more.

She smiles, uncertainly, and my eyes widen. She is _so _lovely. I've never seen an expression as perfect as that smile. "Hey. I'm Emily."

"Emily." It's a perfect name- for a perfect woman. I can hear the heat in my voice as I whisper it. It fits just right in my mouth, just like her beautiful face would fit in my too-large hands.

"You must be Sam? Leah's fiancé, right?"

"Right." Shit. Leah.

At the thought of her, of marrying her, a growl stirs up from somewhere inside me. The idea is nauseatingly wrong. And I know why.

Old Quil's advice rings in my ears. "It will do what it wants, when it wants. And when it finds the one it wants, you will break Leah's heart- like this"

I should have listened to him… before Leah and I…

Leah is pregnant. With my child. And I know now that I won't marry her, that I can't, that I'm in love with someone else. I'm going to abandon her, just like she feared. "Em… Emily, Leah's right through there," I gasp, barely managing the words. "I have to run out. Please tell Leah I'll be back soon, okay?"

"All right," she agrees pleasantly, though there is a hint of confusion in the depths of her dark brown eyes. As I run out the door, she calls, "Nice to meet you, Sam!"

Nice to meet you too, Emily. Very… _nice. _

Holy Hell in a handbasket, do I have some issues to sort through. What am I doing? What do I even want? And how am I going to get it?

The wolf inside me answers the second question. It wants… I want Emily to be happy. No matter what it costs me or anyone else.

Now, what will make her happy? That's something of a difficult question, since I don't know anything about her.

I am furious, mostly at myself, partially at circumstance. I phase easily, not even thinking about it. It's almost disconcertingly easy to find my other shape, to change my very nature in a mere moment.

And I run. My feet pad against the floor as thoughts whirr through my head.

One thought, specifically.

Emily. Emily. Emily. Emily.

Her name. Her face.

And the fact that I love her.

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	15. Chapter 15

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It's not exactly convenient. I never would have chosen it. I know that. I should regret it, hate it.

I should probably stay with Leah, too. That might even be what Emily would choose. Doesn't it predispose a certain amount of vanity to assume the most perfect creature on earth can't be happy without me?

And yet…

I can't stomach the thought that I'll ever be anything but hers.

This is deeply inconvenient. I mean, it had to happen now. She couldn't have come for dinner the same night Leah introduced me to her family the first time, could she? That would have been so much easier.

Then again, I wasn't a werewolf then. I might not have been able to do this… imprinting, I think it's called. Imprinting.

Like stamping. Pressed forever into me. It's a good word for it. She's deeply a part of me, the image of her forever behind my eyes.

Leah is not the woman I'm meant to be with. I thought she was but… Emily has proved me wrong.

What do I do now?

I want, more than anything, to be with Emily, for the simple reason that I adore her, almost as man worships a goddess. She is perfection embodied. She is everything anyone could ever want.

That is obvious, almost a prerequisite to this entire process. I _know _that. But what do I do to make her happy?

That's more important than my fleeting and inconsequential desires. The greater good is whatever she'd like most.

She might want Leah to be happy. But I have to offer her the choice, offer her myself. She needs to know her options. I don't know her well enough to choose for her, though if I am very, very blessed, one day I may.

I have to tell her the truth. And in order to do that… either way, whether or not Emily accepts me, I need to leave Leah.

It is so desperately awful. I feel terrible at the deep and pervading sense of relief that accompanies the mere thought.

Strangely, the love for Leah is not gone. I still feel the same as I once did. But I am not one man. I am two beings- man and beast. That is very, distinctly, true.

The man loves Leah, just as he always did.

But the monster so barely hidden beneath my skin feels things, does not possess reason to counterbalance emotion, and thus renders the latter so much stronger. And it feels, it knows with a deep and inherent instinct, that Emily, _not _Leah, belongs to it.

Right now, the wolf is in control. Not just because I wear that shape.

Because I do as it wishes.

I could, maybe, _maybe, _stay with Leah. If Emily wanted it. Yet I would be miserable every moment. I need her. I love her.

And then another thought besides the noble self-sacrifice, staying with Leah despite my desires, supersedes everything.

If I do not make Emily my own, someone else will come along and break her heart, just as I am breaking Leah's.

So I have no choice. I have to do as I want, selfish as it is, because I can never let Emily be hurt.

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	16. Chapter 16

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"Leah, I need to talk to you," I whisper. She doesn't turn to face me, but leaves her head resolutely toward the dishes she's washing as she tells me off.

"Yeah, we sure hell do, Sam Uley! What the _hell _was that? You meet my cousin and six seconds later you're zooming off to God-knows-where! Emily must think I'm crazy."

"Emily," I mutter, savoring the perfect word, "Emily."

She spins around. "What is _wrong _with you?"

I look for the last time at the woman I thought I could never stop loving. And I haven't. I still see the fire in her face and the beauty of her features and the _concern _underlying her fury.

That doesn't help. It just adds to the spiraling guilt.

"Leah, I have to tell you something." For what I know will be the last time, I trace my hand, burning hot, against her skin, and I notice that hers doesn't feel cold to me, as most people's do.

"Leah. My Leah."

Emily is not mine. I am hers. I know that I will give up any hope of a reciprocal love when I give up Leah, but it isn't like I really have a choice.

"Sam, tell me. Spit it out. I'm sick and tired of these secrets. Your secrets."

All my secrets- and now they're tearing us apart, not just in the subtler ways of before but splendidly and permanently. "All right. You want me to tell you the truth? Leah… I am so, so sorry."

"There's someone else." Her voice is totally without inflection "You're leaving me for someone."

"Not… oh, God, I'm going about this all wrong. Leah, what I can't tell you, what I've been keeping from you all along, is why I've… I love you. I always will. But there are some things stronger than love. It's like gravity, pulling me in. I can't resist it, Leah. If I could-"

"I don't want to hear this, Sam," she says, quite calmly.

"I'm sorry. It's the truth," I plead.

"Not in the sense that it's some kind of lame excuse, though I think you could come up with a better lie to leave your fiancée, the mother of your child, with. But I meant I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear how much better and prettier and smarter and more God-damn feminine she is than me, all right? I don't want to hear how much better she is, because you _know, _you _know, _that this is tearing me to bits. So please be considerate and leave that out. As a personal favor to me."

I take in her face. Her almost too-long eyelashes are dotted with mysterious moisture. I'd like to attribute it to the dishes in her hands. Tears do not suit Leah. But I know that's a pretty lie to tell myself. "I can do that for you."

"So do I have to move out?" she asks.

"No. It's your house—remember? I'll get my stuff and move into that little yellow place by the edge of the forest. Finish school. I promise I'll leave you alone."

"Hell of a promise."

"I'm so sorry," I whisper. "So, so sorry."

"I love you," she says. "It's probably cruel to say but I don't give a damn. So you should know it."

"I love you too," I answer.

Her reply is a loud, resounding laugh.

As I stroll toward the door, she stops me. "Sam, tell me who."

I breathe in and out and finally say, "Emily."

"Of course," she replies. "Of course. Because if God's going to take you away from me, why not take you both!"

I hear her voice growing hysterical. I stop her. "Leah, Emily's never done anything to encourage me. I promise you that. She doesn't want me, doesn't know me, and doesn't love me." I shudder a little at my own words, but press on. "She's your friend. I'm the only enemy here."

She doesn't speak, no answer to my outstretched hand, and I turn and walk away, out of her life forever.

As I leave my… her tiny kitchen, I hear the sound of her ring clattering to the floor, and a loud, soundless wail.

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	17. Chapter 17

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"Emily," I whisper hoarsely, "Listen to me."

Her voice, her perfect voice, her voice like the rush of water over rocks and the chirping of a single bird on an early summer morning, is harsh and cold. It is a voice made for words of love, for chasing children and most of all for laughter. This cruelty does not belong in that voice.

"What did you to Leah? She says the wedding's off. What did you _do _to her, Sam Uley?"

I marvel at the sound of my name. I never thought it could be wonderful. I never thought my own name would be beautiful. But in her sweet words, it is.

Although I should be horrified at her anger, I'm getting sidetracked. She says my full name, in anger, and I catch myself wondering whether or not, if she ever consented to marry me, she would take my name.

Emily Uley. Even in my own mind, it sounds beautiful, be cause I hear it in her voice, like a song, forever stuck in my head.

"I left her," I explain, and my voice sounds so harsh. She draws back. "Emily… I don't know how I can say this, Emily. I loved Leah. Emily, I still do. But from the moment I saw you, Emily, I knew the only way I could ever be happy is if… you are happy. I don't know how this can be, but I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. I don't know how it's possible, but that's the way it is."

She whirls around, furious. "That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life," she hisses, her voice taught with anger. She isn't screaming. In fact, the accusation is almost a whisper. But she is horrendously mad.

I never would have thought sweet Emily possessed so much anger. But I realize now that it's part of what makes her the wonderful person she is. That she defends her own like this, that she sacrifices what she may very well want, that she puts aside her own nature all for her cousin's cause- that is the reason I realize that she is not just perfect, not just the woman I am forced to love, but the person I want to be with forever.

"Let me explain," I whisper, because I have to tell her the truth, so she will understand her, so that she may forgive me. Around she spins again.

"No. Absolutely not."

"Please. I want to make you happy, Emily."

"Go make Leah happy. That's where you belong."

"Please…"

"Stay away from me," she commands, and I have no choice but to obey, running alone into the woods.

Funny, how I keep ending up here, unable to restrain my fury, galloping through this same forest. Maybe because it's the only place I can be myself.

Maybe because I've been lying, because my self isn't the man I think I am. It's this oversized monster sprinting beneath the trees with none to comfort him.

To comfort me.

Because there is no disconnect. The wolf and the man- they are one.

They are me.

And we are alone.

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	18. Chapter 18

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It's been a week. The beat of the forest is the only sound I hear, the music of the world chiming around me, the nature all I know.

I drink from the burbling and vast streams I encounter, varying from brooks to full rivers rushing along the wood. It is different, drinking with this mouth, using my tongue to lap up the moisture like a dog.

I _am _a dog. I currently resemble one more than a human, that's for certain, despite my huge size and terrible teeth.

A big, scary, mean dog. I am an animal, no more and no less, without senses or emotions or thoughts recognizable as human. I do not feel as I once did. I don't even live, by some definitions. Oh, there is breath and a beating heart, all the trappings of existence, but I note the ringing emptiness where once I had a soul. Now I am just legs and fur and outsized paws and vicious teeth and thirst and hunger and fury and exhaustion and running and pain.

So much pain.

Great. Now I have thought of it. That means it'll be hours until I can think of anything else.

She doesn't want me.

I love her… I shouldn't, but I do, and I can't help it, and I love her, and she doesn't want me.

She doesn't want me near her. She doesn't love me. She doesn't even want my friendship, let alone my adoration, my very soul which I'm offering up.

She wants me to go back to Leah.

I should. But I can't. I can't do anything but love her.

I should do what she wants. But I don't have the strength.

Forgive me.

Leah, forgive me.

Emily, forgive me.

My child, forgive me.

Please.

I beg you.

Forgive me.

Maybe I'll never go back. Maybe I'll stay like this forever, chasing my tail like a damn puppy for the rest of my life. Hiding out in the forest, watching the world spin by from a distance.

No. That's not an option. I can't do that. I have to try to make Emily my own.

While I'm out hear in the forest, I can't protect her. I can't protect anyone, and there are vampires near. The tribe needs me. My imprint, my soulmate, my one love, my Emily needs me. My child needs me.

Leah, who was mine, needs me. I can't be hers. I can't give her what she needs.

I can do all the rest.

I have no choice. Again. I have to go back. I have to continue chasing Emily like a lovesick idiot, and I have to support Leah, and kill any vampires who threaten us, and figure out how I'm going to eat and where I'm going to sleep, because I don't have a job and I just broke up with the woman who has the keys to my house.

Quietly, my emotions sorrowful and not angry, I find the stillness that allows humanity to overtake me and walk naked through the woods to try and find home.

Wherever it may be.

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	19. Chapter 19

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I settle for the grocery store, in the end. It isn't exactly the place where I belong. Far from it, as a matter of fact. But I think it's as good as I'm going to get.

Well, I need to eat. I miss human food. It's perfectly easy to hunt as a wolf. It isn't like I'm incapable of feeding myself. That form is actually better at capturing the meat that seems to be the only thing that keeps me full nowadays. But I want the tastes and textures of my other body.

_This _body, the one I lived the first twenty years of my life in, the one I _belong _in. This _is _where I belong. I don't know why it's so hard to convince myself that I need to remain like this forever. Even when anger isn't overtaking me, I feel like I want the ability to shift from form to form. It's bizarre, really, because I _hate _the transformation, I _hate _it, and yet I find myself craving it.

I steal my own clothes off Leah's clothesline. It's ridiculous, that I don't have any other option than to take my own property from my own home to sneak around town. It's early in the evening, but Leah isn't outside enjoying the lovely weather. I can hear the sounds of a chick flick playing in the background and some quiet sobs every so often. Finally, the television shuts off. I hear the door open- my hearing is very good. One of the few advantages to this.

Before the guilt can wash over me properly, I sneak away.

It's a short enough walk to the Thriftway in Forks. Okay, so it's eight miles, but that doesn't seem so bad in comparison to my recent experiences. I occupy myself, sadly, with thoughts of Emily. I know I shouldn't.

She isn't mine to think about. She hates me for breaking Leah's heart. She sees the monster in me and she'll never forgive me for it. She'll never see that I love her, no matter what I am… and I don't deserve to love her. I'm not even worthy of that.

Yet I can't help but adore her. I simply don't have to consciously command it—whenever I close my eyes, I see her face. I can imagine what her face would feel like under my hands.

I realize I've never actually touched her. It doesn't matter, though. I love her from afar just as much as I would were she mine.

Oh, impossible daydream! Too painful, and yet too perfect…

I sigh and continue my march, trying to stay away from my useless worthless love, which is consuming me, and yet gives me nothing in return.

I'm practically running by the time I get there.

I slow my pace to walk through the aisles. I'm in between the cereal and the milk when I see the back of a very familiar head.

"Leah?" I say, mostly out of habit. She whirls around.

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	20. Chapter 20

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"What the _hell _are you doing here?" she hisses. Not anger, though. It's directed more internally than anything else. She wants to know how she's supposed to deal with seeing me there.

Though my heart is no longer my own to give her, I ache for her pain, because I remember loving her. It still hurts to see her furious and bleeding from my cruelty.

"I… I just needed groceries."

"Where are you living?"

"Nowhere, at the moment. Makes shopping kind of inconvenient." I try to smile at her. It's a wasted effort.

"I can't talk to you."

She turns away.

I catch her arm. "Why not?"

Her attempt to walk away doesn't stop. It doesn't _succeed, _either, not with my formidable strength keeping her here (though I am careful not to bruise her arm, I've caused her enough pain), but she doesn't relax or turn back towards me. She continues to subtly struggle against me, not enough to make a scene, but enough that she makes it very clear she _doesn't _want me here.

"Lee-lee…" I pull out my secret nickname for her. It's a rare thing that I used it, even when we were alone, anywhere outside the mushy declarations of love she tried to shy away from. It's cruel to even remind her it exists, I suppose, but I can't help myself. She freezes cold in her tracks. I release her arm, and it drops slowly to her side, almost without her interference, as she pivots, just as slowly, to stare at me.

"What do you want?" she whispers.

"Leah," I amend, "You're going to have to learn to be able to talk to me. We… we're having a baby. And even if I can't… can't be with you like I always planned, we have to decide what we're going to do."

"No, we don't."

"What? Leah, we can't wait."

"Why not?"

I am hesitant to press the idea. I don't want to cause her more and more pain, but I don't see any other way. "Leah, you have to be three, four months along now. And I guess… it's getting to be urgent. I need you to know that I'll be there for the little one, even if I couldn't be there for you."

"It's not urgent." Her voice is unexpectedly flat. Not like the pain and anger are gone, more like she's numb to it all now.

"Yes, it is. We're having a baby, Leah. How are we going to do it?"

"We're not having anything."

I carefully turn away, struggling to maintain my calm. It isn't easy. I can feel anger surge over my spine. There is a crackling heat in my hands and feet, and the first spasm starts in my torso as my limbs shake with the burning.

Carefully, I breathe. Not in front of her. I can't literally tear her to pieces on top of what I've done to her heart.

It's so hard. Knowing what she means, what I've made her do… it is too much. Too cruel. That I should be the cause of… of this. When we were going to have such a lovely life together. Now there is nothing. Not even the shards of it for her.

"What do you mean?" I ask one final time, just to be absolutely clear.

She understands my intent, and kindly clarifies. "Sam, I had an abortion."

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	21. Chapter 21

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"Oh, Leah…" I begin.

"My decision, Sam. I'd prefer you don't call that choice into question, all right? Because frankly that would be just about the most unfair thing I can comprehend. I am _not _going to raise the child of the man I love alone."

"You wouldn't have to."

"Yes, I would. Because you're so damn busy chasing after Emily like a lovesick puppy-" I try not to snort at the irony- "that you'd never have time for the family you left behind. I am not capable of raising a child in a healthy way. I'm angry, I'm bitter, and I'm broken. There are some people who do a good job as single parents. Billy Black. Ms. Call. But I can't. I _won't, _Sam. And don't expect me to be sorry because I got myself out or the hopeless situation you landed me in."

"I'm not going to. Leah… Leah, I'm so sorry you had to do that. I would have tried to be there for you. You know that."

I always wanted a family. And I could have had one. Now I've lost it… and I'll probably never get another shot at it. The only woman I'll ever want is Emily, and she won't look twice at me.

This was my last chance.

"You would have tried. But even on the rare occasions you did show up in our lives, you'd always be thinking about her, about whatever else is going on with you that you can't tell me. I know that."

"Maybe, Leah… but don't you think this is kind of extreme?"

"Not for me. Excuse me, Sam. I have to go." She turns away, and I stop her again. She looks up at me, furious.

For a second, I remember how beautiful I used to think she was when she's angry. I can still see the familiar features, the lines of her face I once loved. I can even feel the same emotions.

But they don't _mean _anything.

I sigh and do what I have to.

I can tell Leah's lying to me. She wouldn't raise this kid alone. Her overly helpful little brother Seth would play with him. Sue Clearwater would take on the world for her child. I'm slightly surprised she hasn't come after my blood already—probably because she's an elder. She knows the truth.

But that wouldn't stop her from helping Leah. And Leah has to still have some trust in me. She'd expect better of me than this… than what I've done.

It's cruel and manipulative and heartless, but I have to find out the real reason. Briefly, I close my eyes, and then open them. I look directly into hers.

She gulps. "Sam… let me go," she says weakly.

My voice is low. "No. Leah, tell me why."

For a moment, there is silence. Other shoppers gather around to stare interestedly. Most of them know us. I recognize Charlie Swan, Billy's friend, out of the corner of one eye. Finally, Leah speaks. "You want to know?"

"Yes."

She yanks her arm out of my grasp with sudden strength and whirls around. I'm surprised she could break my hold. "You want to know why. Well, I did it because if we're having a baby, it actually requires my being in the same room as you, and that just hurts me too much. I never want to see you again. I can't take the heartbreak." She stares back at my shell-shocked expression. "That's _why, _Sam. I'm leaving now. Don't try this again."

"Leah, I'm-"

She's gone before the word can leave my lips. But I whisper it anyway.

"Sorry."

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	22. Chapter 22

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"Emily, please."

It's the other part of my mental refrain. Sorry Leah Please Emily Sorry Leah Please Emily Sorry Leah Please Emily Please…

"Go away, Sam." And that's the only response my pleading, with either of them, ever wins. As far as they both are concerned, Leah's pain is too high a price for my love. My devotion. My adoration, adulation… I cannot find the right word. There isn't one for it, for this feeling.

The feeling is, simply, that I belong to her. I am hers, whether she wants me or not, to do with as she pleases.

And I desperately want to make her happy. It is the sole reason for my existence, this compelling need to see her smile and know I have caused that contentment.

"I'm begging you. Just give me a chance to explain."

She turns to me, and I am captivated by the radiance of her face. Every line of it, shining with perfection—her long, straight hair, her gleaming black eyes, her perfect skin, her beautiful features.

"No."

"Why not?"

She sighs, and I can feel the breath blow against the air. Her exhalation smells sweet, of cinnamon and honey. "Sam. Honestly. Isn't it obvious?"

It is. But nonetheless I want, I need, for her to say it. I need the sound of her voice, clear and sweet as a bell, ringing in my ears, even if it says words that hurt too much to hear. "No."

"You're lying…" she observes me for a moment. "But I'm not going to get rid of you by being nice, am I? I'm really going to have to say it."

If she wants me to leave, she will have to order me away. And still I'll follow her, from a distance, never interfering with her right to her own life but ascertaining from the other side of a window that she's happy and safe.

No one will touch her while I live. Even if she refuses my love, I will give her that much. No one will ever, ever hurt her.

"Say it," I request, softly, almost like a kiss in words. My voice is carefully gentle. It is the last thing I think I will ever ask of her, and we both know it. It's time for me to stop following her, pleading with her, begging her. It's time for her to set me forth, because my mistake will never be forgiven.

"All right, Sam. All right. I'm going to say it all, and you're going to listen, and when I'm finished, you're going to leave me alone. Understood?"

I nod tersely. I don't have the breath for words. I'm caught between horror at the realization that I'm losing my shadow-of-a-hope with her and ecstasy in her mere presence. Oh, Emily. So good, so pure, so beautiful.

I will never see her this closely again. She can't know I follow her. She can't know I'm hers unless she wants me to be.

She steels herself visibly. Cruelty goes against her nature, and she wants nothing _less _than to intentionally break someone's heart.

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	23. Chapter 23

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But after all, it's exactly what I deserve. A perfect comeuppance.

"Sam Uley. I will tell you why. Every single reason." Her glorious eyes spit fire at me. "You are not mine. I do not want you. I do not love you."

The tremors begin in my legs and arms. Oh, no. I hadn't expected this. I'm so new to this dual existence that I hadn't thought to safeguard myself and her from the danger I pose. But I'm trembling. "Emily, stop." I can't wait for anymore words. Or I'll hurt her.

She doesn't listen. "You wanted me to tell you. That is exactly what I'm going to do. Now shut up and listen. I will never be with you, Sam. Never. How could I? Do you know what you've done to Leah? She's practically my sister, and because of you she's breaking into pieces. While I watch, helpless, and know it's _my fault. _Whatever I did that made you do… this. I don't understand it. I don't understand you. And-" she raises a hand, cutting off my protest. "I don't want to. I'm not interested in whatever excuse you plan on feeding me, because I'm not going to be talked out of this. I don't want you to chase after me like this. I don't want you at all, and I never will.

"I could never. You broke Leah's heart, Sam, and I'll never forgive you for it. Until the day you die, I will _hate _you."

Those are the words that destroy me. Conscious thought is gone, and the flame is burning, burning, changing me from shape to shape. As she speaks, I twist, I burn, I am on fire.

"Emily. Please."

"No, Sam. Do I have to say it again, to get you to stop asking? You're never going to give up, are you? Well, I guess I have no choice. I never thought I'd say this. I'm not this kind of person. But in your case, it's true."

She turns to me, her eyes leveled directly at mine while I convulse helplessly, trying my absolute hardest to maintain control. The fire is burning, shaking through me. The catalyst of her cruelty is the most potent yet, and it is so hard to resist. Yet I cannot afford the pain of hurting her. I adore her. I am hers. How could I destroy that which I love so completely? And destruction is all that other form is capable of.

No, I am not a monster, to take down the most beautiful thing in the world because it is not mine. I am a man, and I will adore her even from afar.

"I love you, Emily."

And with that last mistake, she gives up on me. She says it. Her words are daggers and she throws them at me, one by one. The spit lands on my face, and her eyes swell with tears of rage and loathing. "I hate you, Sam," she hisses at me.

I explode.

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	24. Chapter 24

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Her skin is like butter beneath my claws, the flesh splitting as though I've heated them directly in a flame.

She does not scream as she crumples to the floor. She simply goes down, not even clutching her face as she falls down, down, down. Her hair flies out behind her, and I swear the world seems to slow, just like in a movie, as I watch the unforgivable take place. She collapses there, at my feet.

The exact _opposite _of how things should be. I do not deserve even this involuntary reverence. I am the one who ought to kneel before her and beg for the forgiveness I will never be able to deserve.

I can feel my self-loathing twist me from shape to shape, and I am a man, at her side, hurriedly scrounging for the old clothes I know I have hidden nearby.

To my horror, as I lift the rock I've left them beneath, I see that I leave crimson smudges on the stone.

Blood on my hands.

Emily's blood on my hands.

Forever.

Oh, God. I rush back to her side and collapse atop her, gently turning her over.

I gasp as I witness what I've done.

Three angry lines, bright red with the same blood that stains my hands. Perhaps the literal stain of it will remain for the rest of my life. I would have thought it would shift when I did, disappear with my change of forms, but that's ridiculous. I can no more be rid of the blood than of the guilt.

And that is one stain I will never be free of.

I see the marks my angry claws made, reflecting my own bitter anger against this defenseless and blameless angel. I trace with a tender finger the place where the mark begins, at the tip of her forehead, and the ending, on her lower thigh, almost at her knees. The whole right side of her body is ruined with the wounds I gave her, raw, bleeding wounds, rending her in half.

Her face was not spared. That perfect face is no less lovely to me with the horror I inflicted on it. I love her no less now. How could I? She is every bit as beautiful, and yet she is clearly marked. My guilt is mine, though, not hers, a stain on me, and no blight on her. The symmetry of that face is exquisite, and yet the scores on her cheeks ruin that. Even her eyes and mouth are tilted with the gash—I pray, though I don't deserve it, that she hasn't been hurt. Let her be able to see and speak when this is over. Let me not have taken that from her.

I must get her to help. I can't lie here at her side and watch her bleed… to death. It's a distinct possibility, I realize, with those wide gashes.

A lie. I need a lie. I can't tell them the truth, can't be taken in by justice. Though I know I deserve to be exposed as the monster I am, I must protect my secret and continue my duty.

It will be better penance than pain, anyway. I can punish myself plenty.

And yet never enough.

For all that I've done.

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	25. Chapter 25

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Eventually, I do what I have to. I am desperately unworthy of this touch, yet nonetheless my penance is much less important than her safety. I can wallow in guilt later, when she's healed, when she's not bleeding there, on the ground, her hair spilling out like her blood around her head, her eyes closed as though in rapture.

I pick her up, like a bride or a corpse, in my arms, and carry her that way. I try not to think of the contact, of her upper back or her knees pressing into my arms, of the coolness of her skin and the gentle way she breathes.

I don't deserve it.

It is a short enough walk to the hospital, yet every step feels as though I'm burdened by the weight of the universe. Not because I'm carrying Emily—she's light, and I'm strong.

What crushes me is the weight of my guilt. The chains I will lug along with me for the rest of my life.

It's exactly as if I struck her, only with much more devastating consequences. I physically assaulted a smaller, weaker person out of anger, and that split second lapse could kill her.

Couldn't it just kill me instead?

I deserve it.

Finally, the doors open. The receptionist gasps at the sight of Emily's perfect face, stained with the fountains of blood.

"What happened to her?"

"A bear… came out of the woods… attacked her…" I gasp. "We were in La Push… talking… woods behind her house…"

"You carried her that whole way? Twelve miles?"

I nod. It's not so bad for me.

"Oh, you have been very good to her. My goodness, she's in a state. Let me call the doctor—We have an emergency, Dr. Gerandy."

The man comes down the stairs, his white hair shining in the fluorescent light. He is followed by a nurse and a gurney. Gently, as carefully as I can, I place Emily on the white bed. Her eyes are still closed, but I can see her chest rise and fall with shallow breaths, I can hear her faint heartbeat.

She's alive.

Thank God. She's alive. For now, for only a while longer, maybe, but at least she's alive. I don't deserve the mercy of the universe, but she absolutely does.

She deserves so much more than a monster like myself can give her. Yet anything I can do, I will. More so now, with this huge failure to recompense, than when I merely wanted to make her happy.

"Tell me," I beg. "Will she be all right?"

The doctor looks at me, at my closed and darkened eyes, at my bloodstained and torn clothes, at the red dripping from my hands.

Blood on my hands, still. Forever.

I can see pity I don't deserve in his gaze. "I don't know, son," he says, and that's the end of that. I watch him wheel her away and follow.

I don't have any right to, but I have to watch him work. I stop outside the door. She's unconscious, and I can hear the doctor attaching needles here and there, pulling out bandages. I smell sweat and medicine and someone else's blood—a transfusion.

I lean against the wall. There is nothing more I can do, so I simply let the guilt take me.

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	26. Chapter 26

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She awakes the next morning, early. I am in the room, kneeling by her side, as I have been the entire night. I do not sleep—how _could _I? I may never sleep again.

"Sam?" she says, voice groggy with sleep, and my heart leaps. Her mind is intact. She can speak.

And she pronounces the name with no loathing or hatred in it, like I'm any other person, like I'm a man at all and not a monster. "Emily," I reply, a whisper, a breath, a prayer.

"What happened?"

"I… I have to explain it to you. I'm… how do I say this, Emily? How do I tell you what I am?"

I look around the barren white room, the tubes she's strapped to, the blood dripping on the bed's colorless sheets. Guilt chokes me again.

Her voice is soft and gentle. "Tell me, Sam. Just tell me."

"I am… Emily, did anyone ever tell you the legends? Of the spirit wolves?"

Her jaw drops. "You turned into a wolf."

I nod. "Yes. And I… Emily, that's why I left Leah. Because, because of the change, I _had _to be with you. I _have _to."

Her eyes are far away, poring over old stories in her mind. She dredges up the word. "Imprinting."

I'm impressed. "Yes. It took _me _longer than that to figure it out."

"Sam… my face hurts. What happened?"

"You don't remember?"

She shakes her head. "I didn't see. The doctor said… something about a bear… you carrying me here?"

"Oh, Emily."

How do I say this? How do I admit my guilt, all of it, my vast mistake, to her, her of all people? My victim, and my goddess? The injured and the judge in one?

"Emily, it was…"

I hold out my hand. There is blood there, and also dried on my clothes from where I carried her here.

For a minute, she just stares. And then she sees the symbolism in the bloody hand.

"Sam. You… I…"

"I lost control, Emily."

I am silent for a minute while she fights the horror in her eyes. I prepare for her to send me away. For this last minute I will ever spend in her presence, I know how it must be spent.

"Emily, I am so… so… there are no words to express how sorry I am. I will never again… yet… I… is there anything, _anything, _I can do for you? Anything. Tell me, Emily, how I can make up for what I've done."

She sighs and closes her eyes for a brief moment. "Sam…"

"Anything. I can see you feel guilty, Emily, and there's no need to. I would be glad to die this minute if that will help. Anything for you."

"I need you to leave. Not… for a while, all right? Let me think about this."

That's almost overwhelmingly reasonable. I nod. "Of course. I'll be waiting. Right outside, if that's okay."

She looks at me, and I leave.

Outside, I am alone again. And this time forever.

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	27. Chapter 27

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The world is white, sterile, empty. It's this hospital corridor, enlightened by the gentle music of Emily's voice, speaking to a nurse, stained only by the blood on my hands and the darkness of my guilt.

I rush to the bathroom, breaking my vigil, and scrub at my hands and clothes. The stains come off easily enough, like it's no more than a corporeal taint.

There's red in the white sink now, and my hands are the color of wood and clean and I walk back to my post and listen.

Leah's in there now. I eavesdrop shamelessly on their conversation.

"Em, are you okay?"

There's a softness in her voice, one I recognize from both her happiest and _least _vulnerable moments. This is Leah's dearest friend, and her surest relationship—it's a constant in her life, her friendship with Emily.

And I've destroyed this, too, for both of them.

"I'm fine, Leah."

"What happened to you?"

It's only now that I realize she was always just a little less than secure when I was around. Always a little harsh and sarcastic—to defend herself, because she was afraid to loose me.

And she did.

She's not afraid of that with Emily, this friendship of theirs that goes beyond anything else, back into the beginning of their memories.

Amazing what I can hear just from the tone of their voices, but I can. Leah's is the most familiar sound in the world, and Emily's voice seems like I've known it since before the beginning of time.

"Emily, tell me. What happened?"

_Sam happened. _To both of them, as a matter of fact, and rather disastrously.

"I got… attacked. By a… a bear, in the woods. I was… talking to Sam…"

"He was hitting on you again."

"Yeah. Leah, I'm so sorry about that…"

"It's not _your _fault."

She's blaming me, obviously, with that heavy emphasis. And rightly so. I deserve it, I truly do.

I am the one who tore them apart.

"It is. Leah… How can I tell you this? How do I… he saved my life, Leah. He dragged me all the way here by himself, and then started to _apologize, _that he didn't stop the bear in the first place. And the way he… he's very… he loves me, Leah."

That is possibly the greatest understatement I've ever heard.

"Yeah, well, he loved me too. Once. It didn't last real long, if you've noticed."

"Leah. Please. I have to… I'm going to give him a chance."

There is a moment that seems to last forever. The silence rushes in my ears and the beat of my heart is the only sound even my ears can detect. Though I know the hospital is full of breath and chatter and beeping machines, only the steady thump makes it through the roaring haze.

A chance.

A chance.

I am going to be given a chance _now? _When I should _die _for my fault? When I've done this to her?

I must be hearing her wrong. No other answer is understandable.

"Leah, I'm sorry."

She pauses again, and I can hear the tears in her voice. "It's… it's all right, Em. I understand. Just… why don't you break the good news to Sam, okay? I've got to go. And we can have some happy sisterly bonding time when he breaks _your _heart, too."

There is another silence, and the door opens. Leah sweeps past, without one glance at me.

Emily's voice is soft. "Sam?"

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	28. Chapter 28

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I walk through the open doorway.

The wounds on her face have barely started to scab over. They are an even angrier color, having darkened a little, becoming an ugly dark red.

"Oh, Emily." My voice is soft, hushed with tragedy. She is no longer bleeding, true, but these marks will never fade, not completely.

"Sam." She smiles a little, and it's lopsided- half of her mouth is permanently twisted down, lined forever with the gash that runs down it, scraping her jawline and turning her grin into a permanent frown.

"Have you… decided? What can I give you? What would make this better… I just want to help. I'm not going to ask you for forgiveness. I'll never deserve that. But if there's anything I can do to make this less painful for _you, _let me know."

"Anything?" she asks.

"Anything up to and including my life. I'd have to be pretty creative to commit suicide, Emily, but I'm sure I can manage. Throw myself under a bus or something. Listen, I just want you to not look so totally miserable. And I don't care about anything but that, anything except making you happy."

"Sam…" she sighs, gently. I ache to reach out to her.

"What is it?"

"You get one chance. Do you understand me? One."

"What do you _mean?_" She can't. She can't truly intend to be with me. To make herself mine? To choose my company, my presence, and my love after I've hurt her, ripped her open and actually, literally, physically harmed her. It's worse than what I did to Leah, what I did to Emily through that. No, this is my most grievous sin yet.

And _because _of it I'm going to get a chance with her?

"I want you. I didn't… I didn't mean what I said. I'm-"

I grit my teeth. "Don't you _dare _apologize. Not to me. I deserve every word you said to me, every word you _could _say. I deserve your hatred, Emily. I've earned it, haven't I?" For once, I'm not struggling to restrain fury, though I can feel the rage rush through my veins, red as blood, beating futile wings inside me. No, there is another reaction.

There are tears in my eyes, and I blink back the humiliating moisture.

I am miserable. I despise myself, absolutely and completely. I used to be a good person. What the hell happened?

"No." She is quiet, but her tone brooks no argument. "You have tried your best to earn my love, and you can't be blamed for this. You're all alone, struggling with this huge burden. It's not fair to you. And you have genuinely been wonderful to me, except for…" she trails off. "What I'm trying to say is that I think… I'm not going to go ahead and say it now, because it isn't time. But there's a very good chance I may be falling for you. I want you to be with me, at least temporarily, experimentally. Try it out, with me."

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	29. Chapter 29

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"Thank you," I whisper. "Oh, God, Emily, thank you so much. I don't deserve this but… but… thank you. And you have my word that nothing like… like this," I gently indicate the marks on her face, "will ever happen again."

She reaches to touch me, taking my hand. Then she yanks hers away. I wince. "Jesus, you're hot."

"Thank you."

She rolls one eye. "No. Like, do you have a fever?"

"Werewolf thing," I explain with a shrug.

"Are you the only one? Wolf, I mean. Didn't… I mean, I'm not Quileute, so I don't know them well, but don't the stories say there's a pack? Who else…"

"I'm the first. The only one," I explain softly, trying to keep the despair out of my tone. It doesn't feel like the burden one person should carry alone, but I have to do it. There isn't another option, and it isn't like I would wish this horrendous forced monstrosity on anyone else. I know the boys in town, the light-hearted children who carry the same blood as me, and I don't want to see their childhood end so abruptly. They should grow up, not blow up- explode into a gigantic wolf that tears at everything in its wake.

Emily places her hand back on mine, softly. "Oh, Sam, I am so sor- I mean, that is… I understand, now, why… it's too much. Now I know why you are so alone, so afraid."

"Afraid?" What more do I have to fear? I've lived this long, I've seen myself become nothing more than a monster, I've watched as I destroyed the center of the universe with a single vicious blow. I've taken every blow thrown at me. I no longer care much for my own life. I've come to thoroughly deserve death, and that ultimate sacrifice is newly meaningless.

"You send it off like crazy. You're so… you, no offense, are probably the most emotional man I've ever met. I can tell, just looking at your face, how miserable you are now. You really meant it, didn't you? When you said you would die? You sounded almost like you… wanted to."

"If it meant I could get away from this, could escape what I did to you…"

"What about Leah?" she hisses, abruptly angry again.

"Hm?"

"You think this is all that matters? It's just a face. Everyone has one. I'm going to live and still be able to walk and eat and all. But Leah's never going to be right again. Maybe you should worry about that. Maybe that's where your sorry belongs."

"You want me to apologize to her? I will."

"No. I want you to choose. Take a good look at her pain, take a good look at me in this ridiculous destroyed body I'm stuck in, and then tell me what you want. Who's feet are you going to throw yourself at? I think either of us will forgive you. What do you want?"

I draw in a deep breath and say, "Don't be ridiculous. I've made my choice. I didn't get a choice."

"Yeah? Well, what are you going to do?"

I kneel at her side, holding her hands, and whisper, "Emily. Do you really have to ask?"

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	30. Chapter 30

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"You look beautiful," I murmur in her ear, and she blushes. I watch her cheeks flood with color. Well, one of them, anyway… the other is still covered in a large bandage.

"Honestly, Sam. You don't need to lie like that. I might have been reasonably attractive at one point, but I'm definitely not pretty anymore."

My heart breaks at her words. She sounds as though she truly means it. Before, when she talked about my choosing, her or Leah… I didn't realize then, but I do now. She doesn't believe how lovely she is. I reach to touch her face, the side I haven't destroyed. "Emily. Emily. Look at me, dear."

She turns. Her eyes are full of unshed tears.

Though she is the second woman I've ever dated, I've known lots of girls. My friends all have sisters, and Leah's friends from school used to take great pleasure in humiliating me whenever they hung out together.

And I still don't understand their immense need to believe themselves inferior to everyone else. Leah was like this too, always incredibly insecure.

I quell the thought that protests I reinforced those insecurities. This is not the point. It's my Emily time.

"You are _beautiful. _You always were. What I did to you…I am sorry. I am so, so, so sorry. But it doesn't change a thing. You are no less breathtaking now then you were before, and I love you just as much. I love you more. Do you really think that of me? That I might… that I would love you less because of my own damn mistake?"

"I don't know what to think, Sam," she confesses. Angrily, she wipes away the tear that's filling the corner of her eye. "I don't know that I can trust you to stay with me."

"I promised, didn't I?"

"You promised Leah, too. You were going to marry her, and then one day you couldn't stand the sight of her anymore and you're chasing after her best friend all the time."

"I thought we talked about this. Emily, dearest Emily, I love you. I cannot… I can't ever look away from you. You're everywhere to me. You're everything I see. You're the world. In my eyes, you are. I adore you."

"Because you imprinted on me."

"Yes. And also because you're everything I wanted but didn't know myself enough to ask for. You are perfect for me, in every way. And I love you."

"I… love you too."

I smile at her and take her hand. And then it hits me. Like a ton of rocks on the head, an impact I would swear I can actually feel.

"What?" I choke. It actually hurts, how much I want her to have said what I think she just did.

"I love you too."

I pant for breath. My head swims. I see stars and circles and Emily's eyes.

She looks at me cautiously. "Are you all right?"

"I've never been better," I whisper, and lean towards her.

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	31. Chapter 31

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Her lips touch mine softly and I can feel her heartbeat as I take her face with one hand and her waist with the other. My thumb rubs circles into her unmarred cheek and my palm presses her stomach into mine and her lips part and her breath blows into my mouth. She tastes like raspberries. And warmth. And velvet.

Her eyes widen and then flutter closed. I feel her eyelashes brush against my face, and I pull away, just one inch away, to look at her.

No matter what she believes, she is incredibly, perfectly, ideally beautiful. Everything I could have wanted, I have found. And though it spears me through with guilt, it also warms me from within.

I take her hand, careful to avoid the still healing wounds, and show her to my beat-up old car. We're driving to a restaurant in Port Angeles, a little, off the beaten path, out of the way Chinese place that Leah used to love.

It feels all but criminal, taking date advice from the girl whose heart I've broken, but I really have no other experience to draw on. I don't know how else to make this first date wonderful, beautiful, perfect- worthy of the one I share it with.

"Sam, talk to me, all right? What are you thinking about?"

"You," I answer easily, honestly. "And how much I love you."

"Honestly?"

"Yeah. In fact, it's pretty much all I think about… it didn't… not before I met you. I never thought anyone could be this all-consuming. But you've become everything in my life."

"What do I say?" she asks, softly, her voice fading as she rests back on the cloth seat and closes her eyes. "What's the answer to that?"

"How about 'I love you too'?" I suggest, and she laughs. I don't think I've ever heard her laugh before. The sound aches and burns in my ears like a choir of angels singing their holy serenade. Beautiful, yes, too beautiful.

"I love you too," she says, and that's even more overwhelming. I grin, the act of smiling almost unfamiliar after these turbulent months.

"Thanks."

We're at the restaurant. I park the car, jumping out so I can grab Emily's door for her. She steps out delicately and we ask for a table for two.

The man who seats us recognizes I've brought around a different girl than usual. I assume, at least, that that's the reason for his conspiratorial wink. I wince and try to ignore that path of thought, concentrating instead on food.

I'm hungry.

I'm _always _hungry, now that I'm a werewolf, and I haven't been feeding the beast appropriately.

Emily raises an eyebrow when I order four dishes for the two of us.

"I'm only eating my chicken, you know," she warns me. "And you don't have a fridge to put the leftovers in."

"Leftovers?"

She laughs again. I smile again.

The food comes. We eat.

It's simple, all of it, surprisingly so. And it feels as though it's been that way for all of time.

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	32. Chapter 32

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Despite the issues in my personal life being finally resolved, I'm still a bit taken aback by the whole wolf gig. I have to work, for example. I have to put in a lot of effort to keep it going. I'm not going to college, ever, that's for sure. I don't have that as an option any longer.

I'm not leaving this place. Not while there's a big gang of leeches right outside the borders. I have to stay here and do my duty. I have to protect.

Old Quil Ateara explains the treaty to me. Sounds like a bad idea, but one wolf can't exactly deal with all those vampires. I'll have to wait. Because soon others will be phasing too.

I try to shake off that morbid thought with another burst of speed added to my feet. Instead, I thought of something else. Of Emily. My beautiful, beloved, perfect Emily. She is an angel, an angel come to earth. She is the epitome of everything.

So _good. _It simply shines out of her, the kindness, the sweetness.

I never would have chosen her. I would have married Leah, gone on to live a happy enough life empty of everything. But I never would have known what I was missing… her. I would always have wanted her, even if I'd never admitted it. We're made for each other, two halves of a whole, perfect. Soul mates. Sounds like a stupid legend, but I really think it's true. Emily and I are meant to be together, forever.

I hate myself for it, for the marks on her face, but she's healing, slowly but surely. She will be fine. Marked forever, yes, scarred, changed, but no less radiant in my eyes. It wounds me that she could think it. I love her for what is within, not for how she looks.

And however she does look is how I define beauty now. This imprint has changed everything, for me. It has made everything synonymous with Emily. Emily.

A beautiful name. Worthy of the one who holds it.

Emily.

I truly regret what I did to Leah, but the _guilt _is reserved for the biggest crime of all, the biggest crime possible. I destroyed my angel with my own two hands in a single moment of senseless hate. That, of all things, is the most unforgivable. Every other sin I've committed pales in comparison to that one.

I hurt her.

No matter what else.

Worst of all.

I hurt her.

How am I to ever forgive myself?

I sigh, an exhalation of breath that feels strange on my unfamiliar jowls, and break into a full-out sprint. I'm just moving past Emily's house- I go by it every day an extra time, to make sure she's safe- when I hear something utterly unexpected. It rings in my ears, breaking the silence of wind and bird, rustling leaves and soft water in the distance, and leaving a portent in its wake.

_What the hell is going on?_

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	33. Chapter 33

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I vaguely recognize the voice, from a long-ago project in Sophomore Biology. _Jared, is that you?_

_Yeah._ _What…_

_Where are you? _I interrupt. I'm slowly figuring this out… and abruptly I realize I am no longer alone.

I make my decision quickly. I will help him, the one who has to share my curse. We'll make it through this together. I'll stop him from ever making a mistake as huge as mine.

_In the woods, _he answers. If I could, I would slap my forehead.

_I know _that. Where _in the woods? _

I see him scan through his thoughts, the landscapes whizzing by in his mind, various different vaguely familiar shots of foliage and trees. _Uh…_

I give in. _All right. Howl._

_How do I…_

Wow. It's a good thing he wasn't the first. _It's an instinct._ An ear-shattering sound splits the air.

_I heard that, by the way, _he grumbles. I let my tongue fall out of my mouth in a grin.

_Sorry. Hey, I hear you. I'm on my way._

_Who is it? _

_Sam Uley. I'm a year above you in school. _I picture myself- my _human _self, for his benefit. I feel his recognition.

_Leah Clearwater's boyfriend._

I try not to wince. There's a story for a different day, or perhaps a warning. It could happen to him too, after all. _Right. _

He ignores my musings and continues pacing the tiny clearing he's in. _Cool. Gonna tell me what the hell is going on?_

_Yeah. Once I get there. _I run faster, and then remember something important. Jared isn't going to recognize me—I don't exactly look like his old lab partner. _Oh, and by the way, don't freak when you see me. I've… changed. I'm black, and big as a house. _I try to shoot him an image, but I've rarely seen this self. I only know the color of my fur from a few chance glimpses of my paw.

_I thought you were Quileute._

I roll my eyes. _No. I mean literal, jet-black. You won't recognize me- _I stumble into the clearing in his thoughts- _there._

_SHIT! There's a… _and then he realizes. _Is that you?_

_Yeah. Now I'm gonna show you what you look like. _He's a light brown color, not quite as big as I am, with deep mahogany eyes, not black like mine.

_Wow. I can read your mind! _He realizes abruptly.

_Yep. That's new._

This comment makes him realizes he has a whole new barrage of questions. _How long… why… what…?_

I grin and answer them all. _About two months for me. I'm not sure why. I think it has something to do with the vampires. _

His eyes widen. _Vampires?_

_Cold ones. You know the legends as well as I do. _I'm well aware that Jared isn't actually an idiot. He was in bio as a freshman, after all, a year younger than me. He's just reacting to the shock of being a werewolf in a slightly idiotic way. Understandable enough.

_Yeah, but I never _believed…

_Neither did I. _I picture the memory of Leah and I at a bonfire, while I try not to concentrate on our linked hands, listening to legends. I laughed aloud at the phrase 'spirit wolves,' I remembered. A fairy story all these grown men believed! _Sometimes, on my morbid days, I think I'm the victim of a nasty prank played by fate. This si what comes of laughing at serious things, you know._

_Why nasty? _He asks. _Seems cool to me._

_Responsibility. And imprinting._

_And that means… _

I take it he isn't asking about responsibility.

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	34. Chapter 34

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_Imprinting. It's like… _how do I describe this? The pure _power _of it?

_I can hear everything you say, you know. Like, not just when you're actually talking to me. Everything you think, I can listen to._

_Oh. Thanks for telling me. _That's useful. Now I know what to _avoid _thinking about. _So anyway, let me show you. You know I was Leah's boyfriend. All through high school, pretty much._

_Was? She broke…_

_I broke up with her._

_Why, man? _he whines. _She's gorgeous. And you two were totally in love. _

_Are. One of us, at least. _It's a little personal, sure, but this guy's going to be sharing my every thought for god knows how long.

_Weren't you two getting married and all? _

I hadn't thought we'd made it that public. _Yeah. And… _I picture Leah, on her knees in front of the toilet, the horror in her eyes.

_She was _pregnant? _Wow, you're an asshole._

The last part isn't directed at me, but I still hear it. And deserve it. _Thus, nasty. I didn't have a choice, Jared. You don't understand._

He shrugs. _I'm the first to admit that, Sam. Explain. Spill the good stuff, bud._

_I loved Leah, _I begin carefully. I show him that it's the truth through my mind, not that I could lie to him like this. _I really meant this-_ holding her hand gently, fingers weaving through mine- _and this- _"I love you, Leah,"- _and this- _just a simple, chaste kiss, but my heart burning as I press my lips to hers- _I didn't plan it this way, Jared. I thought I was going to get all of that, what I showed you. Sure, I was phasing, I was gonna loose the other things, the scholarship, the decent job, but we were going to make it work. We were. She even invited her cousin up to help us plan the wedding. _

_Look anything like her? _he teases.

I growl. _Yeah. _My _Emily. _With a picture of her face, before the scars.

_Oh my God. I take that asshole comment back. That would be an insult to assholes everywhere._

_Damn it! _I snap, breaking down. I know he doesn't mean to direct this at me, but I can't listen to it. _I never asked for this, any of this. I'd rather be human, trust me! But I _never had a choice.

_Being a wolf doesn't excuse… _he begins.

I close my eyes. _I know. I know. There's no excuse for what I did to Leah. But there is a reason… imprinting. _

_What's that?_

_I'm trying to explain. I think I have to show you… _I picture the moment I met Emily. It may be my clearest memory. Her face shines, her eyes aglow. The rumble is in my ears as the rest of the world ceases to be in the wake of her presence.

_Oh. Wow. Wow._

_Yeah._

_I take back the asshole thing, _he offers. _You're right._

_Thanks._

_Does that happen to…_

_Old Quil says it was rare. You have to see her for it to happen, _I explain. If I'd never met Emily… none of this would have happened. I'm not sure whether to bless my good fortune or curse my bad luck.

_Think I will? _His thought sounds wistful. My eyes snap open in disbelief.

_You _want _to imprint?_

_Yeah. It looks… you know. This doesn't sound real manly, but… beautiful. Powerful. I'd like it. _He tosses his head. _And you're happy. I can see it. Scared, guilty, yeah. But happy. _

I hadn't thought about that. But he's right. As long as Emily has incomprehensibly come to forgive me, I'm happy. _I guess… you're right._

_Huh. So you're not totally insufferable._

_And you're not a complete idiot._

_Glad to earn so high an opinion, Mr. Uley._

_This could be the start of a beautiful friendship._

He snorts, and takes off after me into the woods. _Let's run. _

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	35. Chapter 35

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"Hey, Sam."

"Jared phased today," I whisper.

"What?"

Her voice is blank with disbelief and incomprehension.

"Jared. This kid from my biology class. Turned into a werewolf. I heard him in the forests."

"Isn't that good?" Emily says gently, taking my hand, pulling me to her. "You're not alone anymore."

I sigh. "Yes. It is. Part of me is ecstatically, incredibly, selfishly happy. I'll have time to sleep now, to find a house, to spend with you, instead of running patrol all the time. I can share the burden. There's another person who I can talk to all this about, someone who understands… you know, we can read each other's minds? When we're in wolf form? He sees what I did. To you, to Leah. He understands. It's so much easier already. And yet…"

I pause. She's taking this very well, this entire bizarre responsibility I have, but it's hard to show her the extent of it. It's unfamiliar territory, this whole world I live alone in. Well, no longer completely alone, but still the leader of a universe where the laws I must enforce are unclear.

Where things I can't control eat away at my dreams, till there's nothing left, till I look in the mirror and don't even recognize my face, no matter which one I am currently wearing. If only it was just the transformation, it would be no big deal. But it's a vast, bewildering, inexplicable, _important _duty that I can't shirk. Can't. Am physically unable to.

That's the hardest part. I have no more free will. I can't make my choices the way I used to. I never _chose_ to do this. Maybe I would have wanted to give everything up to protect the tribe. Maybe. But I didn't get the option. Maybe I would have given up Leah for this incredible, beautiful, overpowering love. Maybe. But no one bothered to as me.

I sigh. "I guess I'm mourning, a little. Jared's childhood ended yesterday. He's a man today, and he's not eighteen years old yet. Hasn't graduated high school. He can't live a normal life, from now on. He'll have to give up everything, for the people. His _life _ended yesterday. He's a tool now. Like me."

She is silent for a moment. Then, quietly, she says, "What does that make me?"

"Huh?"

"If you're a tool. What am I? I'm part of it, aren't I? The duty. The responsibility. All this that you never wanted. I'm part of what you never wanted."

Her insecurity hits me like a bullet, and I take both her hands in mine, looking down into the depths of her eyes. The power of the tears in her gaze is immense. I try not to lose myself, staring at her. "No," I whisper. I can see the brightness of her sudden, confused, uncertain relief. "No, Emily. You're the one thing that makes all this _hell _worth it. I do it all for you. You… you're the reason for everything. You will never be a responsibility. You're a miracle."

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